HOW TO SURVIVE Gay SpeedDating
by VengefulMothSlayer
Summary: "This list of rules should get you through the night of torture with minimum impact/metal scarring. Please pay attention." Includes: USUK, GerIta, PruCan, Spamano and Russia x France for giggles


**So what. It's a romance/humour fic. So what?! 0^0**

**Stop looking at me like that! **

_**HOW TO SURVIVE: Gay Speed Dating**_

_This list of rules should get you through the night of torture with minimum impact/metal scarring. Please pay attention. _

**1. Resistance Is Futile**

_When you are dragged along behind a friend/acquaintance/family member of some description, please remember: never underestimate the power of the criminally stupid/insufferably stubborn. Added to that, speed-dating (especially _gay_ speed-dating) is not something ANYONE wants to do alone. So minimize tears and gnashing of teeth; you're going, and there's nothing you can do about it. _

"But Artie, _why_ do I have to come with you?"

"Because I don't want to do gay speed-dating on my own!"

"Why not? You do everything else on your own! What is it you call it, splendid isolation?"

This earned the American a slap. Sadly for him, it wasn't on the ass.

Then again, if Arthur had been that straightforward -let alone perceptive of Alfred's feelings- he wouldn't be going speed-dating, now would he?

000

"… But, Alfred, why do I have to come with you? This is your chance with Arthur, eh?"

"Yeah, I know, man! But I don't want to do gay speed-dating all on my own!"

Like Arthur, Matthew was sorely tempted to whoop some American ass. However, he didn't believe in violence outside the hockey game. So he simply sighed, and nodded. [obeying the first rule! Good boy!]

"Okay, Alfred. As long as you don't just sit in the corner and eat hamburgers while staring at Arthur the whole night."

"I wouldn't do that! That's totally unheroic!"

"Bet you 10 bucks you can't get a date by the end of the night."

"10 on you."

"Deal."

000

"BRUDER! WHERE IS THE BEER?!"

Ludwig sighed and face-palmed. He hadn't even known that Gilbert was in the house, and already he was trying to raid his beer stash.

"What about a 'hello'? An 'I love you'? A request for permission to steal my alcohol?!" He yelled, going down the hall into the kitchen.

"Nah! I am the awesome Gilbert! I do not need permission to raid beer stashes as all beer belongs to me! Right, Gilbird?"

Ludwig's Albino brother was bent over in front of the fridge, silver hair tousled like he'd just been dragged through a hedge backwards, to borrow his friend Arthur's phrase.

"How many times do I have to tell you, bruder? The beer is not yours if you do not pay for it!"

"But I did! I allowed some of my pure awesomeness to rub off on the unawesomeness of your kitchen! That is more than enough in payment!"

Ludwig sighed again, smoothing back his pale blonde hair. They'd had this argument enough times before to know how it ended- with Ludwig frustrated and Gilbert holding a beer.

"Why are you here, Gilbert?" He asked tiredly.

"I want to ask you a favour!"

"But surely, brother, nobody as 'awesome' as you would need a favour?" Yes, Arthur was most definitely rubbing off on him.

"Yeah, that's what I thought! But… Wait. Were you being sarcastic, bruder? Because that would be totally unawesome."

_And now he sounds like Feliks_, Ludwig thought silently. But aloud, he said: "What do you need?"

"I need you to come gay speed dating with me."

Verdammt scheisse kopf…

000

"Ve~ It will be fun!"

Fucking shithead.

"No, Feli, it will not be fun! Just because I don't have a partner anymore doesn't mean I want a new one!"

"But you're so lonely!"

"I didn't even want to be in my last fucking relationship! The only reason I dated that masked lunatic was because he's so much _taller_ than me!"

"Ve~ What has that got to do with it?"

"Never mind… I just don't want a partner! And even if I did, I wouldn't want one who goes _gay speed-dating_!"

"Brother, you are coming with me, and that is that," Feliciano said with uncharacteristic seriousness.

"No, I'm fucking not!"

"I will uproot all of your tomato plants."

Fuckberries.

000

"I don't understand. Where are the drugs?"

Francis sighed and nearly face-palmed. Really, what went through Antonio's head?

"Why would you think that there were drugs at _speed dating_?" he asked.

"Well," Antonio said, still obviously confused. "It's speed."

"_Speed?!_"

"Well, yeah, Gilbert told me all about drugs a while ago!" Antonio said, obviously proud of himself.

"Okay. Okay, Toni. Speed dating is where you go to find a partner. You sit down and talk to the other person for two minutes, and then you swap tables and talk to somebody else. It's a way of meeting lots of people in a short amount of time, so you can spread L'amour," he said slowly.

"Oh," Antonio said. "I think I get it."

"It doesn't matter, you're only going to back me up."

"Alright then. As long as I can eat my tomatoes."

"You brought tomatoes?!"

000

**2. Be Cordial, But Not **_**Too**_** Cordial**

_You won't know any of the people you're speed-dating, of course. So try not to piss them off. They don't have to be physically intimidating to kick your ass. But always remember- most of the people who are attending will be DESPERATE. DO NOT give them the wrong signals- or even too many of the right ones. You never know what they might assume. And remember; it's not just the intimidating ones who can kick your ass. _

"So… I'm Alfred F. Jones, the hero! Who're you?"

"I am Ivan Braginski. You will want to suck my cock, da?"

Oh, god. What an opening… Ten bucks and a shining reputation right there. But come _on_, the guy was a commie bastard, not to mention creepy.

"Listen, man… It's not that I don't find you attractive… But I'm actually only here because I wanted to keep my friend company. Not only that, but I wouldn't feel comfortable dating somebody who I didn't really know."

"… You are turning me down?"

"Basically, yeah."

Ivan smiled childishly.

"… You will regret this, I think, as your brains pour out of the holes I tear in your neck and your eyes pop like eggs to drip like tears down what is left of your face."

Shit. Just. Got. Real.

000

Francis sat down across from a short, glowering brunet. "So, mon cher… What can we get up to in two minutes?"

"Piss the fuck off, beardy bastard."

"Oh, but now you sound like Arthur…" Francis checked his partner's nametag- "… Lovino."

"As long as you do not come on to me, bastard, I don't give a fuck who you compare me to."

"Ooooh, feisty… I like it."

_[And again, here we see an example of somebody so desperate, they utterly refuse to accept the inevitable]_

000

**3. There Will Be Silence and Tension**

_You have to remember that you will be dealing with people in very high-stress situations. And, of course, you don't even want to be there. There will eb times when you meet someone you flat-out don't like. And there will be times when you have absolutely nothing in common. So, yes, there will be silence and tension. _

"Hola! I am Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo!"

"You remind me of this Mexican I used to know… He stole my glasses…"

"I am Spanish, not Mexican! For your information, you remind me of a 5-year-old I met once!"

"Hey, man, that's not very nice!"

"At least I don't trail after some British ponce and worship the ground he walks on!"

"How the hell did you know that?! And at least I'm addicted to hamburgers, not enki-whatever-ya-call-its!"

"I'm not addicted to enchiladas! For your information, I'm addicted to tomatoes, which are amazing and healthy! And I should have known that you would trail around behind some English bastard, even after what they did to the Armada!"

"I'm sensing you don't like the English very much!"

"I'm sensing you don't like the Mexicans!"

"Well, fuck you!"

_**TENSION. **_

000

"Strange," Francis murmured in French. "There doesn't seem to be anyone sitting at this table."

"_Hey! That's not very nice…!"_ somebody whispered from the other side of the table.

"What the hell?"

As Francis looked closer, he began to detect the faint outline of somebody sitting on the other side of the table. _"Just because I'm almost invisible doesn't mean you can make fun of me, even in French…!"_

"Who are you…?"

"_I'm Matthew Williams…"_

"Well, Matthew, please excuse me for being so rude. How… Who am I talking to? There's nobody here…"

Matthew sighed. _"Why me…?!"_

SILENCE.

000

**4. It's a Fine Line**

_There will probably be people there who you could easily be friends with. Maybe they're not the type of people you usually meet, maybe they're not a class off person you would expect yourself to connect with… But in the end, whether you like it or not, you are gay speed-dating. Take whatever un-awkward conversation you can get. Who knows? You might even stay friends. _

"Just so you know, asshole, I don't want to fucking be here and I don't want to be your fucking boyfriend."

"That's perfectly alright. Actually, I'm mainly here so I can prove to my dickwipe brothers I can get a boyfriend."

"I'm not throwing you a fucking pity party. But my little shit of a brother fucking dragged me here. For the same fucking reason."

"Who would have thought it would be this common?"

"So… you seen Total Recall?"

"Actually, yes, I have. It was good."

000

"Yo, I am the awesome Gilbert!"

"T'sup? I'm Alfred F, Jones, the hero!"

"I can already tell that you are at least a little bit awesome."

"Of course I am! I'm from the United States of fucking America!"

"I'm from Awesome Germany!"

"Awesome!"

"Ja. It is. You want some beer?"

"Sure! Just lettin' ya know, I'm not interested in fucking anyone at the moment."

"Nah, it's cool. Can I have a hamburger?"

"Sure!"

000

**5. Those Awkward Moments**

_You've been dragged there behind a friend or family member. There is, then, the possibility that you'll be paired up. Again, just try to ignore the awkwardness and have a normal conversation. Catch up. Talk about deep things. Use the time effectively. _

"So… Mattie. Long time, no see?"

"_Alfred, this was a bad idea. I haven't got a date and already at least 3 people have not realised there's anybody in my seat…"_

"Dude, that is nothing! I have already been threatened with serious bodily injury, if not death, by some random commie bastard! Not to mention that spazzo Spanish guy who kept on insulting the British!"

"_Well… Do we call off the bet…?"_

"NO! I can't do that, that'd be unheroic! Besides, I haven't even offered to suck anybody's cock yet!"

"…"

000

"Gilbert. I freaking hate you sometimes."

"Hell no, how could you hate me? We haven't even had sex yet!"

"Gott in Himmel, I do not want to fuck you, Gilbert! You are my brother!"

"But nobody needs to know that!"

"Except our families!"

"Hey, live and let love!"

"… Verdammt, why am I related to you?"

000

**6. When You Find Someone**

_Even though you're not there for romance, there is a small chance that you will find someone- someone you connect with, someone you like. Try to remember to be yourself. You won't get anywhere with them if you lie. Best-case scenario, they find out you lied about a small thing and they don't trust you. But it can be a lot more horrible, and awkward, than that. Good relationships are not built on lies. _

"Sooo… How's your night been?"

Arthur rolled his eyes at his best friend. "Terrible. I don't know why I came here."

"Really? That bad?"

"Yes. The best person I've met has been some Italian with a potty mouth -who isn't interested in dating."

"What about me?"

"Of course, you're the nicest person in the room."

000

"Ve~ I'm Feliciano Vargas. You're cute!"

"Erm… Danke. Ludwig Beilschmidt."

"Do you like pasta?"

"I've honestly never tried it…"

"Ve~ Then you must come to my place and try some! I like you very much!"

"You don't even know me."

"Well, how am I going to get to know you if you don't come over and eat my pasta?"

"True."

"Yesterday I was making pasta for my brother Lovino and he said: 'There needs to be more tomato!' and I said: 'But it is pasta! It is perfect!' and then he said 'No, it isn't perfect, because there aren't enough tomatoes!' Except he said something different, because my brother swears a lot, but I never swear because it is far too rude, and he swears all the time, and- yes?"

Ludwig slid his hand over Feliciano's and looked into his eyes, shyly.

"I would very much like to try some of your pasta, Feli," he said quietly.

Feliciano _glowed_.

000

"Hello, bastard. I am Lovino, and I don't want to date you."

"That's sad. I'm Antonio. You're pretty cute."

"Don't call me cute, you fucking Spanish bastard!"

"Aw, but you are! And why don't you want to date me?"

"Because I don't want another boyfriend so soon!"

"So soon? What happened?"

"Nothing!"

"I think you had a boyfriend who you cared a lot about, but he treated you badly and you left him. And now you don't want to be in a relationship because you don't want to be hurt again."

"What the hell?"

"Am I right?"

"Yes… You are smarter then you look, bastardo."

"I'm not smart! I'm an idiot! Would you like a tomato?"

"Yes… I think that maybe this could fucking work."

"Okay! Just so you know, I'm not really interested in dating either!"

"You… What?"

"Awww, you look so cute, Lovi. Just like a little tomato."

"I do NOT look like a tomato!"

"Yes, you do! Oh, you are so cute!"

"… Bastard."

000

"Hello! I am the awesome Gilbert!"

"… _You can see me…?"_

"Well, of course! I can hear you too! It is probably because I am so awesome… What's your name?"

"_Mathew…"_

"Eh, you don't look like a Matthew. You look like a Birdie."

"… _What? Why…?"_

"I don't know, you just do. Meh, this place is boring. You wanna go see a movie?"

"… _Actually, that would be kinda nice…"_

000

"I'm your hero! Of course I'm the nicest guy in the room!"

"You… Belt up, git!"

"I am, and you know it!"

"Bollocks!"

"Arthur… I think…"

"What? Finish your sentences, idiot!"

"…"

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Alfred!"

"I like you, okay?"

"… You sound like a teenage girl."

"Well, if you…"

"Belt up! I meant to say, you sound like a teenage girl, but…"

"Finish your goddamned sentence-"

Arthur kissed him.

000

**7. When You Get a Good Offer**

_You might not find the One, you might not find anyone you particularly like, but you might get a good offer. Recognise it. Think carefully about whether or not to decline._

"So, neither of us have dates, mon ami?"

"Da. This is correct."

"We shall have to remedy that."

"… So you would suck my cock?"

"No! I never bottom!"

"…Oh. You see, I have a problem."

"Of course you have a problem, mon cher. You just asked me to suck your cock, and you don't even know my second name."

"Of course I do! Your second name is Bonnefoy! You are not really born in France but in America, to French parents, which is why your accent is so crappy! Fortunately, you live with Americans, and they cannot tell. But you have run out of hot guys to date, so you are coming speed-dating, da?"

"… That is a little creepy, mon cher."

"Not as creepy as Kiku Honda and Elizabeth Hedervary organising this whole thing for Yaoi Club fodder!"

"… That is even more creepy. Yes, you all definitely have problems. What am I supposed to do about it, exactly?"

"… You do not know my problem. You see, I know this lady, Natalya, she is very beautiful, da? And she is wanting to date me. However, I am gay. I need to prove to her that I am gay by getting pretty boyfriend. I cannot do this because I scare all the pretty ones away."

"Why do you not just date her and treat her very badly? She would be scared off."

"You still do not understand. She is devoted to me. She would not be scared off. Also, she is my sister, so I cannot do this."

"Your sister… is in love with you?"

"… Da. We did not grow up together. She did not know. Although, with way she is acting, I think it would not have made difference if she had."

"Again, what do you want me to do about it?"

"I will make you deal. You pretend to be my boyfriend until I find suitable replacement. You do not run away. You help me search. I pay you money."

Francis leaned forward.

"How much are we talking?

000

"So, you filmed the whole thing, Elizabeth-san?"

"Yes, of course I did, Kiku! And I keep telling you to call me Liz!"

"… No, I will not call you that. It is too informal. Can we watch the tapes now?"

"Yes, of course we can! Lili, have you finished making the chocolate? We are watching the tapes now!"

**A/N: **

**I know, that was random. But I just… I don't know. I was watching a rerun of "New Tricks" where Sandra goes speed-dating, and this idiot sits down ad goes: **

"**So, what could we get up to in just two minutes?"**

**And she just looks at him and goes: **

"**I'm a cop."**

**Seriously, her FACE was hilarious. Death Ray, anyone? And I just started thinking of all the pairings in speed-dating situations. Like, Francis sits down at Arthur's table and goes: **

"**So, what could we get up to in just two minutes?"**

**And he just punches him in the face. **

**Unfortunately, that didn't make the cut because England and France were both standing up… **

**Also, sorry for any inaccuracies, as I've never been speed-dating myself; the only knowledge I have of it is from that scene in **_**Hitch**_**. **

**Anyways, reviews are to me what pasta is to Feli~!**

**-Slayer**


End file.
